The Book of My Life
by Voyfemme
Summary: As Kathryn Janeway starts a new job and a new life, she starts a new personal PADD. Chakotay starts his personal log anew as a result. JC,
1. Chapter 1

**Part 24: The Book of My Life**

Summary:

As Kathryn Janeway starts a new job and a new life, she starts a new personal PADD. Chakotay starts his personal log anew as a result. (J/C,)

_Pairing:_J/C _Rating_: PG-13 _Type of Story:_ Drama _Level_: 2

* * *

**Part 24: The Book of My Life**

Personal PADD Kathryn Janeway 2377.

Dear PADD:

A new home, a new job, a new PADD, a new me.

I can't believe that I'm at Quarra starting over again. It's so strange to be so far away from Earth and such a relief. It's so hard to believe that I had to be forced to leave the home that I swore to the heavens I would protect. Wait a minute, how was I going to protect my home, when I couldn't even protect my family, my _entire_ family from being lost in the labor riots? I guess it was wishful thinking. As much as it was wishful thinking to believe that the Cardassians and the Dominion would have ever let us earn an honest work for a fair wage, even if we were _able_ to find work on that over populated world that I was once proud to call home. I _had_ to leave, especially when the opportunity of a lifetime became available to me through an alien called the Caretaker. It was a messy ride to this part of the galaxy, but most of us made it. I'm glad I was the lucky ones, life here on this planet is paradise compared to what I left.

My job is amazing. I monitor the primary reactor coils for the power plant that services the entire content. It should be a simple task, but it isn't and it's going to take all my training to keep up with the demands of this job. Including getting to work on time. I can't believe that I boarded the wrong transport and ended up in the Atmosphere Processing Plant. I was even offered a job there. But from the time I heard about the central power facility, I knew that was where I wanted to work…where I _had_ to work, even though the supervisor there offered me 50 more if I stayed and worked in Atmosphere Processing. How refreshing to be wooed for jobs instead of begging and doing…….. other things to be offered one, or even to keep the bad one that I already had.

Well, if I didn't know that my job was going to be a challenge before I started, I knew right after. I violated the command protocols for my monitoring station within one hour of starting work and almost initiated a core overload. And that was a good thing because over a malfunctioning machine, I met a man. The bad thing was that I was _talking_ to my machine when I met him. It's a habit that I cannot seem to break and one that will constantly be a source of embarrassment for me. Jaffen walked over and disarmed the alarm with the proper input and me with his smile. That was also both a good thing and a bad thing because the new efficiency monitor came over to us and accused of fraternizing. My third mistake on my first day! I apologized and told her that he was just helping me. Annika Hansen didn't seem to buy that excuse and Jaffen made it worse by asking if she went by a name or an employee number. She was also new and he didn't know her. She didn't even bat an eye when she told him to finish instructing me quickly and get back to his station. I have to look out for her, something tells me that she will tolerate no nonsense and she takes her job as efficiency monitor as seriously as I do mine.

I turned down a date with Jaffen for that night to eat dinner. I had a lot of work to do, to get up to speed. I am determined that the mistakes that I made today will not be repeated. I snuck a peak at him as he went back to his consul. He is handsome and someone I would like to get to know better. But it would have to be in my spare time. I couldn't help but notice that he was looking at me also.

I found the club that he mentioned later on tonight. I don't know if I really thought that I was there to eat and review the manuals or if I was secretly hoping to see Jaffen. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I'm crazy to think of a new relationship now. Especially what happened over Mark and in a real way, what happened over Eric.

Mark was wrong for me, I know that now. I can't believe that he wanted to stay on Earth with everything that was going on. I should have known better to date a non-scientist. I mean, what was he going to do with his life, smoke it away in crystals? Especially since jobs for non-science majors seemed to be non-existent. I should have listened to Eric from the first time he said that Mark wasn't good for me. How I wish Eric was. But he was actually _too_ good for me; born to the elite class, born to the people who will always have jobs on Earth. People of my class would always serve him. He had said once that it didn't matter to him. But it did to me. I think I loved him too much to be with him, to bring such a disgrace to his family name and to have him end up like me, almost destitute. So we remained in the situation that society had created for us. We remained _friends_. But in the beginning, when I was young and hot-headed, how I loved him. I remember having visions of us riding out in the stars together, before I got a hold of myself.

To do what? Just wander. Life and Mark knocked some sense into me. I was so lost after he died and then I decided that I wanted a better life somewhere else, far away from the pain that living on Earth brought with it, and with Eric's help, I was able to contact the Caretaker and then make that fateful trip. I knew that Eric was upset that I had to leave, but he let me go, knowing it was for the best. I miss him terribly.

Anyway, a new me. One that doesn't look back but instead looks forward.

I did see Jaffen in the club, or maybe I should say he saw me and invited himself to help me study the manuals. We were out so late tonight and I should be sleeping now so that I'm not late again tomorrow. But you know I had to make this log entry before the end of the day. Jaffen walked me home and I found out that he lives in the same building as I do. He asked me about Earth. I told him the state of my ex-home: Overpopulated, polluted, racist and very little work. That was all he needed to know.

He wanted me to come to his quarters tonight. Oh how I wanted to, but I am supposed to be sleeping. He gave me a standing invitation and I'm going to take him up on it. I know that it's a lot more impulsive that what I'm accustomed to, and if this is the start of ………something, then I'm moving a lot faster than I normally do. But as I said, it's a new me. One who's learned from her mistakes and will do better next time.

New home, new job, new me and possibly a new man.

* * *

First Officer's Personal Log:

Why I'm starting this after a long day working is beyond me. I have to be up in another four hours to continue repairs, but I needed some time……..for what or why, I don't know.

It's quiet on Voyager. This ship is always so full of life. Who would have ever thought that 132 people could infuse so much energy into 700MT of bulkheads and computer processors? But they did, especially one crew member. How long has it been since the ship has been that empty for this long? Not since Seska tried to take the ship at the beginning of our third year here. Over four years ago. Where has the time gone?

I miss my best friend,

Since that time with the Kazon, we have always fought to keep Voyager, our home intact, together, side by side. Now I have to do this alone. I haven't been alone since our second year here lost in the Delta Quadrant. We have always been together, united as a command team guiding our crew home.

I miss Kathryn.

I was so scared when Harry and I beamed over to the bridge to find that life-support had been cut. The Escape pods were launched so that meant that the crew was alive somewhere. I will not think of any other scenario. When the Doctor gave us the explanation, it seemed that all we had to do was fix the ship system and go looking for them. But with his inference that we were deliberately disabled and the crew forced to abandon ship, there is a knot in my gut which will not leave until we get the crew back home, safe and sound.

I miss her.

It's a good thing that she did approve and implement the Emergency Command Hologram or else we may not have had a ship to come back to. I didn't think that she could leave the ship in the hands of a Hologram, but I should have known that when the moment came Kathryn would do anything and _everything_ to preserve her ship and ensure the safety of her crew. She always has and _we_ always will, because by extension, the promise that she had made to the crew is one that I have made to her.

We will get this crew home and _together_ we will make it no matter what.  
Do you hear me Kathryn?  
I'm coming, just hang on until I find you.

* * *

Dear PADD:

I can't believe the life could ever be this good. My job is going well, I haven't shut down the core or made any more stupid mistakes since that first day. The Quarrens are great to work for, I just had my first inoculation against ambient radiation; I didn't know that some employers cared so much for people who worked for them and I've seen Jaffen every day of this week at work and for dinner.

I know, I know it's sudden. I've only known him for about two weeks, but he's becoming my first friend here and my best friend here….and hopefully something more. There are other great people here, but there's one who is very strange. His name is Tuvok and today he swore that we had met before and started babbling something about meeting at a hospital. He doesn't look well. In the end we said he was mistaken and left, but I have a feeling it was only because Jaffen came over.

I decided to cook for Jaffen last night. I know, I know, cooking is not my forte. In fact Eric has often told me that if I found a man who would eat my cooking then I should marry him. Mark ate my cooking, but then again Mark was so far gone on Crystals sometimes I thought that he would eat stones if he knew that they would keeping him going until he got to his next high.

It was a disaster, but he was so sweet, he tried to eat it. But with the look on his face, I felt sorry for him and I offered to buy him dinner. He said that he wasn't really hungry and neither was I. We stayed in that night. The _entire_ night. It was good and _he_ was good and you know that it's been a _long_ while. And after all of Mark's fumbling towards the end, it was refreshing to have someone who knew what he was doing. It's been too long, and it's about damn time.

Afterwards when I lay in his arms he asked me if I was comfortable here with him. I looked at him, I mean I really looked at him as I traced the ridge on the left side of his face. Eric had a mark on that side of his face too. I thought for a minute about what I had with Mark and about what I couldn't have with Eric, and I answered him truthfully; that I had never been more comfortable in my life.

* * *

First Officer's Personal Log:

It's been a week. With only four people on board, the repairs which normally take about a day, have not extended to a week, and that's only to do the minimum repairs. It's been a long one too. I can tell that Harry is getting exasperated with the Doctor. When you come back Kathryn, we have to talk about what we are going to do with that man's ambition. I know that it isn't easy for him to accept the fact that the Doctor now seems to have seniority over him because he's holding yours and Tuvok's codes while you are away. I can imagine how it seems to him that everyone else is being promoted even a hologram and he is being left behind.

Neelix and I have been quietly working. I'm sure in a way, he's been thinking about Tuvok. He's doing a lot of the work on the tactical systems since he knows a lot about them from trying to impress that Vulcan. I don't know why he bothers; you're the only non-Vulcan that will ever impress Tuvok, your oldest friend.

Listen to me talking to through my log. Seems crazy since you're never going to hear it, but I guess it's to be expected. You're not here for me to share the things that we normally do at the end of brutal days. You remember after the fourth year, no matter what we were facing and no matter how pressing the repair was, you always seem to find time to spend at least 30 minutes going over little things with me about what had happened to personnel and the ship during the day. The things that would get left out of the daily reports, because they were too mundane, but they were important, especially if it dealt with the Morale of the crew, which in a way is affected the most by the little things. I remembered how surprised I was that you started doing that two months after we left the Mari homeworld. But it was important and I don't know what made you realize that, but I'm glad you did.

Well, I think until I have you back safe and sound, I'm going to continue doing this. I'm sorry then that I haven't spoke to you for the whole week, but I've been exhausted and I wanted to seek out my spirit guide to find out what I should know about you and the crew. I'm worried, what can I say. My guide is not saying much, but I get the feeling that I should continue what I am doing and so I am.

End Log

* * *

Dear PADD,

It just keeps getting better and better, that's why I haven't had time to record anything in the past week. I have spent every waking hour with Jaffen, at work and out of work. He's special. I never thought that I could feel this way, so free, so easy to be me, to express what I feel without hiding and without shame. I was right to come here, to make my home on Quarra. A new life, a new job, a new me and a new home here with Jaffen.

* * *

Personal Log:

We've found you Kathryn, all of you. Thank God, I was so afraid that we had lost our family……that I had lost you, but it seems as if you're safe…..and you're being held hostage. But we're going to get you back, so hang on. I just have to be a little creative to find out what's going on. Good thing I've been taking pointers from the best for the last seven years eh?

Well that moment I knew was coming in my gut between Harry and the Doctor, it came right before I left the ship. The Doctor wants to be left in charge because of his programming, Harry can't take it. Everyone will get to command before he does. Since when did Harry become so forceful and so sarcastic? He held his own with the Doctor and threatened to delete his command subroutines. I can't believe that he would be able to risk your wrath over that. Well if we wanted any more proof that he was serious about this, we just got it.

As I looked at them arguing, a question flashed through my mind. What would you do? I know the answer. The Doctor will be in command because experience for experience, he has more than Harry has right now and even though it the decision would hurt Harry, implicit in your making it is for him to get over if for the good of the crew. That's the way you always see things isn't it? But in your mind you know that Harry would never let you down, and he would be able to make that leap of faith, trust the intuition that he has developed within himself by watching us guide Voyager through this quadrant, by watching _you,_ and keep the ship in one piece. He's come back from the future to rescue the crew. He wouldn't give up on us as easily as a set of subroutines. Or maybe a set of subroutines would fight longer and harder, because he is a program that has outgrown his original parameters by himself. Well I guess I don't know who you would have left in charge, but I _do_ know that someone would have been.

I am not you, and I trust both of them with our lives, with the crew's lives as they trust us with theirs. I left them to work it out. When we come back, we'll see what they have learnt from each other and I know it will be a lot.

Neelix's shuttle has entered Quarra's Orbit, so I end this. I will see you soon.

End Log

* * *

Dear PADD

Something strange happened today. Mr Tuvok went crazy and attacked Ms Hansen the Efficiency monitor. He started saying that she wasn't who she thought she was and that we didn't belong here. Why is it when I first heard that my heart jumped and then I was afraid in that instant? In another instant it was gone as I helped Ms Hansen up. The happiness and the peace came flying back at me a second later. I was glad for it. I don't want to belong anywhere but here.

* * *

Personal Log:

Kathryn

It was so strange walking around and seeing the crew look at me blankly, like they didn't know who I was. Gerron, Henly, even Nicholetti didn't recognize me. Ayala; that man has saved my life half a dozen times in the Maquis and he looked at me as if he didn't see me. We've seen each other at least once every two days for the last seven years, it's disconcerting to think that three weeks apart would make them act like this.

But nothing compares to finally finding you. You know what it is I hate the most about this trip. The times when I meet you and you don't recognize me, because then I realize the friendship that we take so much for granted; is not something that was always there. It was built up through some pretty amazing and agonizing experiences.

When I said your name, and I told you who I was, and I realized that you didn't recognize me instantly, even in the _way_ I said your name, I want to know what is so powerful that it made you forget who I am, who _we_ are what we have _accomplished_ and your drive to reach Earth no matter what. But you are happy. For the first time since I've known you…………no that's not true. I've seen you like that once before…..I can't believe that it's been five years since that time.

Why am I recording this log when I should be getting you back in your command chair where you belong? Because I need to. Don't set your death glare on me, I'm leaving the Alixia now.

* * *

Dear PADD:

Today I met a man. Actually my supervisor referred him on me. He said that I would be a good person to talk to if he needed help. Why he would single me out is beyond me. Jaffen would be better at guiding him. After all I almost initiated a core shutdown my first day here. The odd thing about it is the way he spoke my name, as if I knew him, when I didn't. And I caught the look of shock when he realized that I didn't know who he was. I was friendly but in the back of my mind I was hoping that Jaffen wasn't anywhere around, I don't know if he would get jealous or not, but I didn't want to risk it. Nothing must ruin my happiness here.

* * *

Dear PADD:

I said yes…………………….

Jaffen asked me to move in with him and I said yes. This has to be the most impulsive thing I've ever done. Besides going through that rough ride through the galaxy to find work and leaving behind my best friend who could never be my lover, my dead lover who could never have been anything, my dead family and an overpopulated, crime-ridden poverty struck planet. But this is about me, finally happy. Finally after everything I've given up, I have found true love and true happiness. I won't do anything to jeopardize it.

When I made that log to you during lunch time, I had no idea how different my life would be six short hours. Jaffen said it was so easy with me, that everything was so comfortable and he wanted to take the next natural step; so did I.

Mr Kotay was in the bar with his friend and I had no idea what Jaffen was going to ask me tonight so I asked them to join us. But Jaffen interrupted. At first I thought that he was being rude and now I have never been so grateful that he was so rude in my life.

He's a strange man, Mr Kotay. After Jaffen and I had finished talking, I saw him sitting by himself and I asked him to join us again, but then he refused. He seemed so eager to be with us earlier, I couldn't believe that he didn't want to join us now. I told him about moving in with Jaffen. It's just I'm so happy that I want the whole world to know. But when I told him about it, he looked startled and was almost speechless for a moment. As if he couldn't believe that I was doing something like that. He looked preoccupied. Maybe there was something else that came to his mind as I spoke. I can't imagine my moving in with Jaffen would have an impact on him one way or another.

He offered me his congratulations. I wanted to tell him save it for the wedding. It's going to come soon enough.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear PADD,

Jaffen left to go for a walk. I think that he needs time alone, and frankly so do I. I need time to think, to absorb what happened to work it out in my mind.

Today was supposed to be a special day, move in day. I was moving in with Jaffen and something happened that I know would change my life forever.

I made one trip right after work and we brought in the bulk of my things into Jaffen's apartment. I had such a good time setting up home in his place. We worked for hours, talked the entire time, made love in the midst of my things, just being two ordinary people on an extraordinary happy day.

I went back to my apartment to get the rest of my things. I'm accustomed working the dark and I know all of my things by heart, so when I picked up a shirt that should have been in the closet and felt how wet it was I knew something was wrong. I smelled blood and that's when I ordered the lights on.

Mr Kotay was there, injured and he had a phaser. I should have been scared, the way that I was when I was attacked on Earth, but I wasn't. I told him that Jaffen knew where I was. And very quietly he told me that he hoped I wouldn't tell him that he was in my old apartment. I told him that I knew that he was wanted in connection with a disappearance of one person who was working in the power plant. He didn't deny it. The thing that intrigued me the most was that he was just talking to me, telling me the truth almost as if he was trying to earn my trust. The thing that baffled me was that he didn't need to. There was something in me that already did. I couldn't understand it and I didn't _want_ to know what it meant. He told me that something was done to the woman at the plant and her memories altered and he was helping her. Out of no where, I asked him sarcastically if he was trying to help her get home. Finally he asked me to trust him. I told him that he wasn't making it easy because he was pointing a weapon at me. He actually lowered it and then I looked at him and I realized that he was in pain, bleeding profusely from a wound. I didn't ask how he got it, just as Eric never asked me who I was when he saw me in trouble on Earth, he just took care of me. I knew it was important that I do the same with Mr Kotay, to pass along the kindness that Eric had given to me. I didn't know why then, but later I came to understand.

I stole a dermal regenerator from work. I had promised myself that I wouldn't indulge in those old habits, but this was an unusual occurrence. Someone needed my help, someone who wouldn't get a fair hearing if he went through official channels and I knew what that felt like. I almost didn't get through, but luckily the efficiency monitor had other things on her mind.

While I was healing his wounds we started talking. He really needed to see a doctor, because from the look of it, his injury was serious. He told me that he would have to wait until his ship came for him. He had lived aboard for seven years. I couldn't believe it. In my wildest dreams I had thought about living on a ship for maybe one or two months, while I got away from Earth with Eric, but for seven years! That was a bit much. I asked him if he didn't want to find a home and settle down. He gave me a large smile. It warmed his face. I remained focused and concentrated on my job of using the dermal regenerator to heal his wounds. I didn't want him to know that I was instinctively reacting to his smile.

He asked me about my job and if I wanted to do something more challenging. I told him a little white lie because I had the sense that he was going to ask me to go off with him and I couldn't do that. Not when I was this close to embracing the happiness that I had here on Quarra with Jaffen. But helping him, I was getting the sense of……..something familiar, that I couldn't place. And I was almost overwhelmed by a fleeting thought of doing something more important…..of _being_ something more, much more than I could imagine, with this man.

But when he called me Captain, suddenly I snapped. What was I doing? I was right, he _was_ trying to take me away from my new home, from my new job and from……._Jaffen_. Funny how I never thought about Jaffen during the entire time with Mr. Kotay until then…..until what he was telling me about my memories being manipulated and hinting that I had another life that I didn't know about, away from here, away from Jaffen. I had made a mistake. But he called me back telling me that 150 members of my crew were stuck here on Quarren against their will and that he had proof.

Proof, I had always wanted proof. Proof of Mark's love for me, proof of Eric's willingness to forsake everything for me, proof of Jaffen's love for me and now proof of what Mr Kotay was telling me. He stopped me from heading out that door with that statement. Could I really walk away without seeing the proof for myself?

How did he know that I couldn't? He must have, because he turned his back to me when he reset the dermal regenerator and showed me who he really was.

Eric.

And who he wasn't.

"We're of the same race." That was all I could say because I couldn't tell him that he had the exact mark that Eric had on the left side of his face. A mark that Eric had always said was a symbol of commitment that I had given to him, because he didn't know what it meant to stand up for someone, to risk his _life_ to protect someone that he had never met, until he did it for me. And he had never realized how making that decision could change his life in such a profound way.

His next utterance, threw me into a tail spin.

"We're more than that, we're friends."

The way that Eric said he was my 'friend' the day one of his friends wanted me to 'cater' to his 'every need' as a woman of my class was supposed and Eric stopped him with that sentiment.

All of a sudden the threat and the danger were all too real. I told him that I wanted to talk with Jaffen and that we would figure out what we could do for him…._anything_ to get out of there. And I did speak to Jaffen and we had our first disagreement. I could understand where Jaffen was coming from. If I really was the Captain of Mr. Kotay's ship and his crew was really on Quarra against their will, then he would want _all_ of them back, especially his _Captain_. But the dismissive, disbelieving way that Jaffen mimicked Mr. Kotay's words made me remember the time when I gave up on my dream of going away with Eric. I needed to do the same now. Now I needed to hold on to what I had that was solid; a good home, a good man and a good job, and let the authorities know about Mr Kotay. And that's what we did before Jaffen went on his walk.

And so now PADD, I sit and I wait. I wait with a heavy heart, because I know that this is nowhere near over. I wait, because I know deep within me, my life is going to change dramatically once again. My heart is heavy because I know I am going to lose. No matter how this turns out PADD that is the one thing that will happen. I don't regret helping him PADD…..I had to because of what Eric and I were to each other and how we came to be that way. I _had_ to………….I owed Eric that much.

* * *

"Commander." Chakotay found that his vision was slowly coming back and he realized that he was in Sickbay. At least that's where he thought he was, but he found that it was close to someplace else that he knew, someplace that wouldn't come to him right away. But he recognized the voice that was talking to him.

"I know that your mind is trying to access memories that aren't there. That should fade with time and the drug treatment that I've given you. Do you remember the last two days." The Doctor leaned over him and spoke softly. Chakotay focused on him, but in the back of the Doctor, he caught sight of someone who looked very unsure of herself and was hanging back.

Kathryn.

"I went undercover to Quarra with Neelix to find the crew. We got B'Elanna out but you were attacked before I could be beamed out. I hid in the Captain's apartment and she found me….." He focused his attention on Kathryn. She didn't say anything, but her pained expression told him that everything that he was about to say was the truth. "I earned her trust, but it was not enough, in the end I was captured. I was taken to a hospital where I found Commander Tuvok unconscious. My thoughts were manipulated and I lured you into a trap. That's the last thing I remember before blacking out."

The Doctor looked triumphant. "I told Mr. Kim that someone had let the Quarren know exactly where we were."

Chakotay finally found that he could sit up, but his head was pounding. The doctor had a hypospray ready. "Well your actual memories are in tact, so that means that they needed to do the implantation first before they began manipulation. I've given you something for your headache, and I removed the implanted memories. Your arm is still also on the mend. Had I been able to treat it right away, it would not take so long to heal, but right now it needs a day for the tissue to regenerate properly. You're still in no condition to command right now and you're off duty for at least the next day."

"How's the rest of the crew?" Chakotay asked the Doctor pointedly, but he was staring at Kathryn. She looked lost and scared. It was then the Doctor finally turned and saw her. He turned back to Chakotay.

"I sedated everyone except Mr. Paris and the Captain. For the rest of the crew besides the senior staff, they didn't know what was happening so I decided to kept them sedated to prevent them from getting violent. If B'Elanna is any indication, they would all be a little too upset being taken from their perfect lives on Quarra. Seven and Tuvok are going to need some thought because of their complex physiologies, and Mr. Paris..." He gestured to another bio bed where Tom was sitting up and B'Elanna was holding his hand talking to him. From the shocked expression on his face, Chakotay guessed that he was just finding out he was a happily married man. "I have improved on B'Elanna's treatment for the rest of the crew. I would like to begin with the field medics, and Mr. Paris. Once that is completed, I'll beam the rest of the crew from their quarters and treat them there."

The Doctor lowered his voice. "That only leaves the Captain. When she was transported along with the senior staff in the transporter room she wasn't sedated and she was adamant that she did not want to be. I wasn't sure how to proceed…." He hesitated. "She can be considered medically unfit, but I would rather not have to sedate her against her will especially if she knows what's going on. Her will is…….." The Doctor searched for the right word. "formidable." And he found it. "I don't want to take the risk that she does damage to herself that can impede my treatment unless absolutely necessary. She has refused to leave your side Commander while I was treating you." The Doctor hesitated again and he chose his next words carefully. "You and the Captain share a unique bond. And as Neelix does with B'Elanna, I believe that in the same way you can calm her down enough so that her treatment can continue without incident."

Chakotay nodded. "I'll call you the minute that she's ready." And got off the bio-bed

The Doctor stopped him by putting a hand on his shoulder. "I still need to at least get her started by using B'Elanna's treatment. Will you please talk to her?" Chakotay nodded. The Doctor went back to his office and Chakotay remained standing by the biobed looking at Kathryn and he smiled.

* * *

_Eric's smile. _

She didn't think that she would have seen it again, and in the back of her mind she wondered if it was worth what it had cost her. Jaffen did not go to Voyager with her. He was not one of the abducted.

It had been a whirlwind past four hours starting with Jaffen coming back to the apartment. He took one look at her and he knew that what they had was gone, forever altered by what she had done. He didn't know why, and neither did she, but both of them knew that things were changed between them. Maybe they thought they could have just talked it out and then she would have just put Mr Kotay out of her mind and that would be the end of it. But then Yerrin from Criminal Investigations showed up, and as more and more evidence began to present itself showing that Mr Kotay…..Commander Chakotay was right about who they were, she began taking more risks, making more choices to believe in what he had told her about herself and in doing so, she _knew_ that she was moving further and further away from Jaffen. But Jaffen did not let her go willingly. He stayed with her and protected her, and in that way she knew that he loved her. But she had made no move to contact him when she had finally reached Voyager and the reason why she had refused to be sedated was to make sure the Mr Kotay……that Eric was OK. And he was, she could see that by the way he was smiling at her.

"Kathryn."

With the utterance of her name, she found that she could approach him. She was a little tongue tied when they were finally within comfortable speaking range.

"I told you that you needed a real doctor for that arm. It looks much better." She said by way of beginning.

"Do you believe me now?"

"How can I not, no matter how many times I try to convince Mr Kim, Mr….Doctor and Mr Neelix to call me Kathryn, 'Captain' and 'Ma'am' always slip out."

Chakotay chuckled lightly. "You command a lot of respect as Captain, Kathryn."

Kathryn continued staring at him intently. "But you call me Kathryn, especially when we are alone, why?"

"Because you are my best friend." The look of shock on her face startled even him.

"Kathryn?"

"I'm sorry. You just reminded me of…… I don't even know if that's an actual memory or an implanted one"

"We can help you with that, if you would let us." Kathryn took a step back, frightened. Chakotay let her and he didn't touch her even though his whole being cried out to.

"Let us begin to treat you. You won't be sedated and I promise that I will be with you through this as you find yourself."

Why did her heart leap when she heard him state that promise.

"Yes."

It was then she thought about contacting Jaffen, now that she knew that Mr. Kotay was alright. She should have thought about it sooner, Jaffen must be worried sick.

"I need to contact Jaffen and tell him that I'm alright." She said quietly.

He looked at her, she looked so sad at what was about to happen to her. He felt his heart pull and his resolve increase.

"You can do that from your quarters after the treatment." She nodded and it was only then that Chakotay came towards her. He touched her lightly and guided her to the bio bed that he had just vacated.

"Doctor?"

The Doctor materialized and said. "I'm going to sedate you for a few minutes, it will be easier than having you awake while your memories re-organize themselves." She nodded again. The Doctor went off to prepare the treatment. Kathryn was suddenly scared and she looked at Chakotay . "Will you be here when I wake up?"

_Always_ was the first thought that flew from his mind, but he rightfully guessed it would be too much for Kathryn to handle right now.

"Yes" he said simply.

She smiled as the doctor came back and pressed the hypospray to her neck.

* * *

"She should be coming out of it anytime now. Be gentle with her commander and don't try to rush things. She is going to be very traumatized by what she is about to remember."

Chakotay nodded and the Doctor left them. He knew intuitively that they would need a moment alone when she woke up.

Kathryn's eyes opened slowly. "Kathryn?"

"Eric?" Her eyes were still closed and she had a content smile on her face. Chakotay was puzzled, who was Eric?

"No, it's Chakotay."

Her eyes flew open and he could see that she was more than a little startled and her hand went up to grasp something. Chakotay did not know if it was his hand that she was searching for, but that it is what he offered. When he saw her smile, he realized that is what she had expected to find.

"How do you feel?" He asked gently.

"I'm alright."

"What do you remember?"

"I remember what happened on Quarra, my life and….." Kathryn's brows furrowed. "There's more there, but I can't grasp it."

Chakotay nodded. The Doctor had told him to expect this. Her actual memories would come with triggers and time.

"That's to be expected. It will come back to you with in a little while." He helped her up.

"You wanted to contact Jaffen, let me take you to your quarters to do just that." Kathryn nodded.

Impulsively, he crooked his arm, without a thought, Kathryn took it. It was only when she had done so that she looked at him.

"How did I know to do that?"

"Because we have done it many times before."

"Your quarters are on….."He prompted

"Deck three." Kathryn answered and with each one of her answers, flashes of insights and memories were coming back to her.

Chakotay smiled as he led the way there.

* * *

He wondered what she was doing in her quarters. Once they had reached there, he showed her how to use the communication array and left while she was waiting for the authorities to locate Jaffen. Before he did so, he had encouraged her to look around her apartment to familiarize herself with her own life.

For his part, he had just entered his own quarters and sat on the couch cradling his arm. It had started to hurt a bit and he realized that it was because of the unnatural way his arm was positioned when he crooked it. He waited until the pain subsided a bit and while he was doing so, he debated on what he should do next. A thought struck him.

"Computer, establish a data link with the Alixa in the shuttle bay."

_Link established._

"Transfer all personal logs of Commander Chakotay to my database, security code Delta zero one gamma."

_Logs transferred._

"Begin new log entry."

The computer beeped its compliance.


	3. Chapter 3

Kathryn switched off the computer when she was done. She wasn't able to talk to Jaffen, but she was able to get a message to him. It would have to do until she saw him. She began looking around her quarters and trying once again to re-write the book of her life. It seemed always her fate to do that. She had tried to re-write her chapters with Mark over and over again until she realized that the story line just didn't flow right before he died. She had tried to add a new chapter by coming to Quarra and a whole slew of chapters that would change the direction of the book by being involved with Jaffen, but now she had found out that her entire life had been edited and re-written without her consent. Now she was faced with the daunting task of putting it back the way it was. At least she seemed to have help in doing that. Commander Chakotay said that he was in the next room if she needed him. His quarters were next to hers. She had stopped short twice now from calling him Eric.

She began with the living room. As she went though all of her knick knacks, she smiled as she realized that that part of herself was true, she was a collector. She took stock of the work that was on her desk and realized that she always brought work home. But the extent to which she was a workaholic was manifested by the fact that she could find reports and ship status updates everywhere, but her last personal log was made over five months ago. She, who kept a PADDiary logged in entries everyday? Who would have though it?

The one item that she found her living space that brought back the most of her memories was a picture of what must be the people who were closest to her on the ship. Commander Chakotay, Mr. Tuvok, Mr. Paris, the Bartender, Ms Hansen the efficiency monitor. B'Elanna the pregnant woman who started all of this, Mr Kim, the first person who confirmed what she was, the Doctor who had been so kind to her and turned out to be a computer program. And Mr. Neelix, the person who was Mr. Kotay's accomplice. As she looked at all their faces, she began to remember certain incidences that made her realize why they were in a photograph in her quarters.

She remembered a scared insectoid who almost killed her chief engineer, she remembered and angry young man who had uttered yes ma'am one too many times but had stood behind her every step of the way and how much it almost killed her to have to put him in the brig for a month. She remembered going back to the past to meet a bit of Starfleet history with her most trusted advisor and her oldest friend. She remembered sitting with the Doctor as he fought to stop the damaging feedback loop that he had been caught in two years ago.

She returned the picture to its original place and she stared out of the view port as numerous memories rushed at her.

Neelix supplying her with coffee, in all different manners and all different blends. She smiled at that. Instinctively she knew that he was responsible for enabling her to get them as far as they had. She remembered a scared drone; she had never known that a being who was so in control one day could become so scared and cower the next when disconnected from the hive mind. She remembered the green ensign, and all the mistakes that he had made as he learned, from her primarily. Now he was the man who fought and kept her ship together as Commander Chakotay saw about her crew.

_Commander Chakotay_

She picked up the picture again, as she ran her fingers down his face in the picture. She saw a button at the lower right hand corner of the picture and she pressed it.

_Together we will make it remember that_

_But do not miss the journey for the destination_

_And know that as I have promised you, I am with you._

_**Always**_

Commander's Chakotay's Voice……Eric's voice. No wonder he came back for her.

A slew of memories that came to mind; some filled with joy, some bad, some good, some downright ugly. She remembered the pull and tug of their relationship in the beginning and she put the picture down quickly as something happened to her. She suddenly felt scared and was filled with an overwhelming urge to leave Voyager; to tell the Doctor to remove the memories and to go back to Jaffen, to her safe life. She calmed herself down by breathing slowly, sitting on the couch. She looked up and saw a room that she hadn't entered into yet; her bedroom.

Kathryn walked slowly towards it as her curiosity won out. She ordered the lights to come on as she took stock of the room and memories of the times she spent there, few that they were came over her. She laughed a little at the mess. She had been running late that morning and hadn't made her bed. Her eyes spied an unusual object in a frame. She went towards it and picked it up. It was……a chronometer? It was had a chain and it was hanging off a frame that had obviously been made for it. She realized that it was to facilitate easy access to the chronometer if she wanted to use it. But why would she? It looked ancient. She picked up the frame as she noticed that next to the indent for the Chronometer, parchment had been encased by the clear plastic of the frame. She read the words aloud.

When she was finished her heart was beating wildly in her chest. She knew who gave her the chronometer as soon as she read the first line. Who was Captain Janewaythat she received such loyalty and devotion from him? She replaced the chronometer in its rightful place and sat on her bed.

She pulled the drawer closest to it. She gasped as she pulled out a hollow projector and a book with the tattoo that graced the Commander's head on the left side. Deciding to tackle the book first she began to read.

* * *

"Personal Log."

"You're back Kathryn. You're in the next room and you're as confused as ever by what is happening to you and what it's costing you. Don't ask the question, as your memories come back you'll know the answer. You and I are best friends and more. We know each other better than we know ourselves because of the trust that we have built on this incredible journey. I know that who you are may cost you Jaffen."

Chakotay said these words quietly. Now more than ever in dealing with Kathryn he had to tread carefully. Chakotay didn't even fool himself into thinking that she was not going to hear his personal log. From the moment he had began addressing her in that log, he knew that he would give it to her to listen, so that he could make sure that the things that he thought should have been said, would be.

"I'm not going to force you to do anything that you don't want to, so I'm not going to say what I know in my soul what your decision will be. What I want to do is to finish telling you about yourself about what I felt about meeting you down on Quarra."

Chakotay stood and went to his viewport and looked at the stationary stars. They should be moving, and as soon as Kathryn came back to herself fully, he knew that they would be. He thought he could see the capital city where the crew had been working, where he had found her. He concentrated on that point in the viewport as the memories came flooding back to him.

"When you first came into the door, I was dismayed, I thought that you were through packing your things for the night, but I was wrong. When you finally turned around and faced me I was torn. I should have just shot you, stunned you. But I didn't know the weapon, and I wasn't going to take the chance to hurt you.

I lowered my weapon and I tried to earn your trust, the way that I had earned it before, by telling you the truth and trusting in who you are, not what someone else was trying to make you out to be. But he couldn't change you completely Kathryn at the core. The characteristics that make you who you are; Captain, best friend, friend….woman, remain. They tried, but they couldn't steal your soul."

Chakotay's voice had become quiet as he said that because in his own soul something was resonating. He figured it was the effect of everything that Kathryn ever meant to him, all the things that she brought out of him and for him. But yet something elusive was going through him at that moment. Something he couldn't name and couldn't place. Yet he knew it was important. He gave it a moment and when he couldn't identify what it was, he promised to get back to it and continued with his log.

"You wanted to know if I helped B'Elanna to get home. It would be you to ask that question even sarcastically. You also took command of the situation and waited, giving me a chance to explain myself before deciding what to do. Once it didn't involve the Borg and we weren't in immediate danger, that's the Captain of the Federation Starship Voyager. And you concerned yourself with me first, about my injury. I was weak and I had lost a lot of blood. I was in pain and your first thought was to take care of me. Maybe sometime before I would found it strange that you help someone who was a stranger to you and possibly dangerous, but again, I know that it flows out of who you are. When someone is in pain, alone or hurting you reach out. It's one of the reasons that we have touched so many species' existence here in the Delta Quadrant. It's also the reason why we have been taken advantage of on occasion. But you have never given that up, even when we were in the Void a couple of months ago."

He couldn't help but pause at this point in the log, because it spoke so much to who his best friend was and who she was becoming on this fateful trip. In the silence, he couldn't stop his heart from being grateful that she had helped him, not only on Quarra but for the past seven years. Not having her on their journey home was not something that he would ever contemplate unless forced to.

"The trust I placed in you in lowering my weapon was not misplaced. You came back with a dermal regenerator and started healing my wounds and as we always tend to do whenever we are alone, even if you don't know who I am, we began talking. I can't believe Kathryn that you of all people would ask me if I didn't want to find a nice planet and settle down. That had always been my line. For seven years Kathryn, you have been the most determined driving force behind how far we have come in the Delta Quadrant. With your adamant refusal to turn back, we have defeated the Kazon, Vidiians, Borg, Species 8472, Hirogen and Malon and have kept on going. I gave up on even _asking_ you to settle down on the nearest inhabitable planet when we reach yet another barrier that seems to be insurmountable. You have convinced me that we will _never_ settle……….it was odd to hear that particular sentiment coming from you."

Chakotay smiled as he remembered his reaction as she had uttered those words. He couldn't believe that she did. He still didn't. Somewhere in the back of his mind he couldn't believe that someone could manipulate Kathryn so much, that those words would come out of her mouth. But then that person must have known somehow, that it was the only way that she would stay on Quarra, that and something else. Chakotay's voice became somber as he continued.

* * *

Kathryn was stunned at what she had read. Who was this man at her side that he could have recorded this, and why? Suddenly Kathryn found that the clarity that she had had in the living room was failing her. She remembered that her treatment had not been completed yet and realized that must be the reason why she was beginning to have trouble with her memory. She would ask Chakotay about it later, right after she watched the holoprogram.

* * *

"You were happy there. Believe it or not, that was the hardest part of getting you back. You found someone to make you happy and if I give you back who you are, then I was going to be asking you to lose that happiness, perhaps for the next 30 years and take up the mantle of loneliness that command is, especially in your position, being alone in the Delta Quadrant. I have tried my best to ease your burden, but I know that I cannot do that in the manner that Jaffen does. Because of who we are and how many people on this ship count on us to get them home. Why would you want all that responsibility Kathryn? Because that's who you _are_ and that's what you _thrive_ on the best. And all of your experiences handling that type of responsibility is the reason why you were there in your empty apartment, helping me."

Chakotay face changed again as he paused. She had betrayed him, there was no going around that. It was the only way that he was found in her apartment. But he had also betrayed his ship during that encounter, and even though some would argue that he was to be absolved of it because his memories were being manipulated, he knew Kathryn was also being manipulated. Not by someone who wished her harm, but by someone who loved her and who didn't want to lose her and that he could understand, because in the most important ways, that was also his position. He tried to impart that as he continued his log.

"But I guess when you told Jaffen what you were doing he reacted negatively, because the next thing I knew, I was in custody. And then I found out how, why and by whom your memories had been altered. They made me do it. They made me utter the words that led Voyager into a trap that almost destroyed them. Why does this always seem my lot in life? You know for someone who prides himself in being of sound mind, it seems that my sound_proof_ mind can be manipulated at the drop of a hat. That's the one thing about this journey that I have hated the most. But you know that don't you? As my best friend sometimes you know me better than I know myself. I remember once you told me it was because I allowed you to. I know I have allowed you to see me when I was the most unsure, like two years ago in Chaotic Space. And even though right now you're in the next room, I cannot go to you, to see your smile of absolution, because Voyager got through this and we're alright and very soon we will be on our way home again. You're not so sure who you are and right now, and I know I need to give you space to find out exactly that."

Chakotay turned away from the viewport and went to the couch to finish his log. As he was about to sit, something from the bedroom caught his eye and he decided to change his venue for recording. He went into the room and stood in front of the object. He focused on the drawing that he had up on the wall. He spoke to quietly as he finished his log.

"By the time you get this Captain, you would have retained enough of your memories for this log to mean a lot to you. You would know that the two people who make up the log are real and their relationship is made up of real experiences that brought them to the point of where they are today. I _had_ to come back for you Kathryn. I made a promise to you six years ago that we would cross the finish line together in the alpha quadrant and I made a promise to you that I would be there for you…..

* * *

_I write these words so that whenever you need to, you can read this and know that as I have promised you, I am with you._

**_Always_**

Eric, Chakotay was Eric.

Kathryn shook her head because that was not possible. There was no way that could have happened according to both her old memories and her new ones.

It was the same promise that he had made to her when she was still on Earth. Kathryn had looked at Chakotay telling her the exact same thing that he had written in the little book. She noted every expression and recognized the level of commitment that he had communicated to her. Now Kathryn was more confused than ever and she felt like there was a war going on inside of her. She grabbed the book and headed out of her quarters.

* * *

_**Always**_

Even though it is causing you pain now, doing that fulfills my promises to you. And those promises will still stand until you break them, because I will not.

End Log."

"Computer, duplicate the last five personal logs and record them on the PADD on the center table in my Quarters."

_Acknowledged._

He took the PADD and looked at it. It was at that same instance that the chime sounded.


	4. Chapter 4

He went to the door and admitted a very agitated Captain.

"Kathryn what's wrong?" He led her to the couch and she buried her head in her hands. Again he resisted the urge to touch her. He focused instead on using his voice to get her attention. "Kathryn, do you need to go to Sickbay?" He asked gently. Suddenly her hands flew from her face.

"No I'm alright……." Her voice died as she looked past him into his bedroom. She seemed fixated on something. She stared and he followed her eyes back to……….himself.

Kathryn got up as if mesmerized. She went straight to his portrait, the one that she had done for him that had always spoken so much of who he was. It was half buried in the shadow cast by the lights in the living area.

"Computer lights." He called as he followed her to where it hung.

Kathryn took it all in. She had worked so hard on this particular gift to give to him after they had become friends, after he had done so much for her. And when she had given it to him he had proudly put it in his bedroom even though it bore her name that told everyone one of her class. That was the first time she realized that she had fallen in love with him.

She ran her fingers over his tattoo on the drawing and they stopped over her signature at the bottom right.

"Eric, your name is Eric." She said softly.

Chakotay's brows furrowed.

"My name is Chakotay." With his utterance, Kathryn seemed to realize where she was and she wheeled around and almost ran out of his bedroom. Chakotay followed her. She walked over to the couch and spying the book on the table, she sat down in front of it.

"The promise made at the end of this, Eric made to me just before I left Earth." She waved the book in front of him looking thoroughly confused. Chakotay remembered how he was when his memories were being manipulated. He couldn't imagine what Kathryn was going through right now. He decided to change tactics.

"Tell me about Eric." He said quietly.

The smile that came to her face was there almost instantaneously after he asked his question. But he saw that she could not meet his eyes. She focused instead on his ancestral mark that was on the book on his coffee table.

"Eric was my best friend on Earth." It was only after she had said that opening statement that the smile dimmed a little. "He was a class 1 human, I was a class 4. It meant that I was of the serving class on Earth and he of the ruling class. I used to work in the diamond mines. It was dirty work, it was dark and treacherous as landslides and earthquakes claimed most of the workers before they reached 50. One day while I was coming home from work, I got lost taking a new shortcut. Somewhere in an alley a gang member cornered me………..we used to have a lot of gangs on Earth because of the high poverty level. He wanted my paycheck. Eric was being driven home from a club that he had attended and ordered the driver to stop the car and came out to help. The driver was afraid and left him there. He defended me against that bandit, it hadn't been for him, I would have been killed. Unfortunately, in order to make his getaway, the bandit pushed Eric hard and he fell against a steam grating."

Her voice had come down to a whisper as she told the tale and Chakotay could see by her eyes that she was lost in her memories. All of a sudden she looked up and focused on him, she raised her hand and touched his tattoo hesitantly. When he made no move to stop her, she continued to trace it as a tear ran down her face. "This was the pattern of the grating. He fell and hit the left side of his head on it. He could have had it removed, but he always claimed that it was a battle scar from meeting me and he would always keep it, _always_. It was part of who he was now; as I am." Kathryn jerked her hand from Chakotay's forehead and turned away. This time he didn't stop himself from at least touching her gently on her arm. Kathryn didn't acknowledge the touch in anyway as she continued with her story, but again she focused on the book in front of her.

"He was the one who helped me book passage on the caretaker's array to come to Quarra to build a better life, even if it was away from him."

"I loved him." She said simply and Chakotay saw on her face the depth of it.

"Why didn't you stay and build a new life with him?" He asked softly, afraid of what she was saying and of what it might be suggesting. When his memories were manipulated, he was awake and prepared and he felt his mind being split in two. He chose to live in the recessive part. And he had watched himself believe that he was contacting Harry and the Doctor because he needed to get a message through to them. It took everything in him to hold on to the recessive part of his mind to understand that it wasn't real, that the thoughts, actions and words were implanted in his brain. He understood more than anyone why she believed what she was saying and how much of a part of her those memories actually were.

"He was of another class" Kathryn buried her head in her hands again. How could he not know? He was of the same race as she. "A lot higher than I. To be involved with me would mean that he would have had to give up everything and live in squalor with me. He wanted to, but I wouldn't let him. I couldn't take the chance that he would eventually come to hate me. So I left. I loved him too much to stay."

Chakotay was caught up in the love that she was manifesting, but not so much so to miss how agitated she had become and to see the look of resolve in her face.

"This isn't right. Those are my memories. Everything about you, Eric, how you fit into the book of my life replacing him, replacing Jaffen. It's wrong! It was all so clear in my quarters and now it's gone. What are you doing to me? Let me go back, I promise I won't tell anyone of what happened here." Kathryn stood up slowly with tears running down her cheeks looking scared out of her mind.

She was on the verge of hysteria, something that he had never, _ever_ seen in her. Not even in his time on Quarra and he knew from Tom and Seven that she didn't even act like this when he was hospitalized. She had helped them because he had proven to her what he said about her real life was correct. Something was very wrong.

"Doctor to Commander Chakotay."

He touched his combadge quickly. "Doctor what is it?"

"Something's wrong with the treatments………………"

"Doctor, I'm with Kathryn right now." He would have used her rank, but he didn't want to scare her any more than she was.

"I'll contact you momentarily." He closed the channel before the Doctor could continue.

"No," Kathryn said firmly, "I want to hear what he has to say." Chakotay hesitated, but she had the right to listen and to refuse treatment if she wanted to.

"Chakotay to Sickbay."

"This is the Doctor."

"Kathryn would like to hear what you have to say."

The Doctor hesitated because he knew that this particular greeting meant that the Captain was within earshot.

"I had attempted to shorten the time to treat the crew by modifying the treatments, but I'm finding out that it isn't working. It's too disorienting and people have decided to cling to their made belief life. I believe I can correct for that, but I need to sedate all who were received the first treatment and administer the modified one."

"Understood, Chakotay out."

"You're lying," Kathryn was backing away from him as her realized that she had almost reached crazed status. He knew it was because there was a war being fought in her and that the war was brutal because Kathryn had always held a firm reign on her mind and was not able to handle the fact that is was slipping away from her, that she could trust it no longer.

He made no move towards her.

"Kathryn," He said it quietly and firmly and with that voice he was able to stop her. He saw that she recognized the voice and from the confusion floating about her, he knew that it once belonged to Eric. It was then that he began walking towards her.

"You're right. I am Eric. Your memories, your experiences with the Caretaker, meeting me, and the feelings that we have as Captain and First Officer, as friends, as best friends have been manipulated for one reason only, so that you would stay on this planet and help with their labor shortage. They couldn't erase the feelings that you have for me as your First Officer, for this crew and for your mission completely so they reprogrammed it so that it would cause you to be very happy on Quarra.

He stopped just outside of her personal space. "Kathryn, answer this from your soul, not from anywhere else and don't be afraid to tell me the answer even if it's what I don't want to hear. Do you trust me?"

She didn't think, the response leaped from her.

"Yes."

And with that answer, Chakotay knew that the foundation that they built together withstood the most complex medical science that he had ever experienced. He was in her soul and no one could uproot him from that place.

Kathryn realized with her answer that the trust that she had in Eric, she also had in Chakotay and even though everything in her rational mind told her that Chakotay was not Eric, her heart whispered it and her soul believed it.

"I trusted you, from the very first moment I saw you hurt in my apartment in the dark, even though you were pointing a weapon at me, _why_?"

Chakotay smiled again as he realized that Kathryn was calming herself down.

"Because you and I have been through too much for someone to erase it from your memory that easily and that quickly. Because of the experiences that led to us exchanging things like that book," Chakotay looked swiftly down at the journal that was there on the table between them. "And the painting has caused us to build our friendship on a solid foundation of trust. I'm asking you to hold fast to that right now until your treatments are finished."

A small shiver ran through Kathryn as he mentioned the treatments. He put his hand on her arm to steady her. "This isn't about us though, it's about Jaffen and you and the life that you've built Quarra, the life that I'm asking you to leave behind by remembering. You will lose a lot, and you know it, deep down in your soul the place where you trust me the most. That is what your reacting to, your fear. No matter what, one thing I know is that Kathryn Janeway does not let fear dictate the course of her decisions, no matter _what_ has been done to her."

How did this man know her so well? It could only be because what he was saying was true. She willed her fear at bay as she faced him now. She held up her left hand. Chakotay took it without thinking and their fingers entwined. Kathryn felt overwhelming sadness as she realized what that meant. She still had to try one last thing, before giving up everything that she had built on Quarra.

"When my treatments are over and if I chose to stay here on Quarra, will you let me?" A very slight smile crossed his face, but he was still serious as he answered, "Yes."

Kathryn saw the expression and instinctively she knew what it meant. He knew that once her memories were regained, she would leave with him. And she knew that if all the things he said about her were true, if all the things that she had seen in her quarters were an indication of what kind of relationship that she had with her crew, and what she was feeling said _anything_ about who she was, even _now_; she would go. She had responsibilities and she would fulfill them to the best of her abilities because she had been given the opportunity to do so, something that she didn't have on Earth.

She began to weep and stepped closer to the Commander. He embraced her as she cried silently and he felt her sorrow, because he saw first hand what she was giving up and how happy she was with Jaffen. He knew that now she would embrace a life that may never bring her that kind of happiness again. He would never regret asking her to do it; it was the journey she was destined to take and the role that she was meant to play in a 145 lives. He just hoped that she wouldn't hold it against him later, when she was facing overwhelming challenges both personally and professionally.

He held her until she pulled herself together and broke away from him. She smiled at him through her red eyes and he was happy to see the look of resolve once again grace her face, the one that he knew so well.

"Then let's do it."

"Doctor to Commander Chakotay,"

"Go ahead."

"I'm ready for the Captain now."

"We're on our way."

Kathryn wiped her tears and squared her shoulders as she waited for him. He gestured to her, "After you…..Captain."

"Thank you." And he followed a half a step behind her as they made their way to Sickbay. Kathryn was very aware of how close he was and realizing all that had happened in his quarters she had one thought running through her mind as she superimposed Eric's features onto Chakotay's for the last time……..

_How I loved this man.

* * *

_

_And I still do._

Kathryn sat in her quarters with that thought, fiddling with the Holoprojector. The treatment was a complete success and she remembered everything. Everything that she had experienced in her life before Voyager, after, and on Quarra. All of it was real and all had affected her

_So now I'm in love with two men, none of whom I can have._

When she was in Chakotay's quarters, she had known instinctively that it would come to this. She would lose, and Chakotay had known that too, that's why he was so gentle with her in his quarters. She was off duty until Voyager was ready to leave in about another four hours. It would take that long for her memories to stabilize. But then that was according to the Doctor's projections and he always padded just to make himself feel safe. She was fine physically, but emotionally she was a little disoriented and she would be for the next couple of days.

She took a deep breath and opened a channel. The sooner she did this and got it over with, the better off everyone would be.

* * *

When he came in, Kathryn almost lost her voice. The flood of memories, happy ones of her life with him washed over her. It attacked her resolve and weakened it, but not enough to change her mind.

"I can see why you'd rather live here." He was nervous. She would be too if she had to relate to the man she fell in love with _after_ he found out that he had been manipulated into believing he was something other than who he really was.

"I'd offer you a position. I could always use another skilled engineer but as Captain...It wouldn't really be appropriate for me to..."

"Fraternize with a member of your crew." An irrational bout of anger came over her as he instinctively grasped the protocol that she had lived her life by on Voyager. It didn't show her poker face. If only it could have been different. But then maybe it would have been much worse. She might have had to do this as someone else's wife. She thought of Tom and B'Elanna.

_Maybe not._

"Well, at least my memories weren't tampered with. According to the medical reports I really did come to Quarra looking for a better life and now that I've been promoted, I guess I've succeeded."

"Promotion?"

"They had to replace our shift supervisor……something about acquiring workers illegally?"

"Congratulations. You deserve it." She meant it. He had taught her so much when she was new to her job

"I thought you might like these back...To remind you of our time together." He handed her spent plasma relays. Kathryn's heart jumped as the memories came back to her. Her eyes were full as she turned to him and hugged him fiercely in goodbye.

"I won't need souvenirs to remember you."

* * *

She made it to the bridge in one piece, still a little shell shocked by what she had just done. The feelings were a little overwhelming and raw. She still loved Jaffen, but she knew that love would fade in time, even though it would hurt at first….a lot. But now she found herself consumed by a love she had for the man waiting for her on the bridge, and one that she knew wouldn't fade by itself. She was going to see him every day for the next 35 years. Unless she put a stop to it, her feelings were going to continue to grow. She didn't want to think about that right now. One thing that was easy and comfortable was the fact that they were best of friends. That was what she was going cling to until the pain of what she had given up on Quarra lessened a bit. Then she will tackle her feelings for him head on.

"Captain on the bridge!"

They were all there, standing at attention, ready to get on their way home. Ready for her to guide them as she had always done in the last seven years, ready for her to give them the best that she had to offer on their journey. She had gotten them almost half-way home, they knew she wouldn't rest until they reached their destination with the man who would always be by her side

"Ready to go?" She looked at him briefly as he said these words. His face might of seemed neutral to most, but she knew it was with the greatest care that those words were said, and the meaning they held for only her.

_I am with you for the rest of the journey, trust in that._

"It may not have been real, Chakotay, but it felt like home. If you hadn't come after me I never would've known that I had another life."

"Are you sorry I showed up?" He had to know, now that everything was back to what it should be.

"Not for a second."

As he knew she wouldn't be. He knew that whenever he called her back to what she was meant to be, her whole being would resound with it so that no matter what she had to give up, she would always chose to be the Captain of Voyager on their fateful journey through this quadrant.

"Resume course, Mr. Paris."

"Aye, sir."

They flew in silence for a while, Kathryn staring at the stars as they passed by lost in thought. Chakotay was pretending to get work done, but he was carefully monitoring her. After about half an hour, he said softly.

"Are you alright Kathryn?"

"It'll take time Chakotay."

"You know anytime you need to talk, 'Eric' will always be there, with a few modifications of course." He didn't want to push her right now. He wanted to let her set the pace of how she wanted to integrate him back into her life, as her best friend and what the new parameters would be. It was all up to her. He had told her that two years into their journey that he would make her burden lighter in whatever way she needed him to and he was going to fulfill that promise even if it might mean they be apart for a while. He knew that no matter what happens now, they would eventually find their way back to each other.

"How about tonight?"

"18:00 hours?"

"That's a bit early don't you think?"

"You need the rest."

"OK" She said quietly as she got up. "I'll be in my ready room if you need me, I believe there is a pile of reports on my desk with my name on it."

He handed her another PADD that was beside his command center.

"What's this?"

"It's my personal logs over the past few weeks when you were gone. They are supplemental logs to the official ones. I believe that you should listen to them in order to give you a true sense of what happened while you were on Quarra."

Kathryn's brow furrowed as she looked at him as her heart jumped. Some crazy part of her wished that a declaration of love was on that PADD, but she shook her head free of those thoughts, because though she may contain a few extra memories, she knew Chakotay and she knew that he had resolved his romantic feelings for her a long time ago just as she had…….or so he thought. He had his poker face on throughout their conversation and so did she.

"Thanks, I'll read it after I read the official logs."

He nodded and went back to work.

* * *

Kathryn stood at the window of her ready room after her third hearing of his personal log. She had left it for last as she wanted to savor what he was saying to her. To revel in the connection that they had because she knew that it would never deepen and blossom into anything else. He had missed her, and in her absence he continued as if he were speaking to her, anticipating her reactions and her words. He had been spot on. From her assigning a person in charge until he came back from her rescue mission to telling him to hurry up and get her back to where she belonged on the bridge of Voyager, he had correctly anticipated her responses. The man at her side had been there for so long that he knew her better than anyone else did in her life.

Her best friend and nothing more.

"Computer what is the time?"

"17:00 hours."

Kathryn got going, she had a dinner to prepare……or to ruin. She gave her first laugh since she found out who she truly was when she realized that her guest wouldn't care, because he was not there for the food.

* * *

"Was it hard saying goodbye?" Trust him to ask the difficult questions.

"Yes." was her simple answer.

She took another sip of ale. He looked at her from his normal after dinner seat on her single recliner. She was at the couch as usual with her legs tucked up under her. She was quiet at dinner as they talked about the crew and ship's systems. The usual laughter and lightheartedness was absent during this meal. Kathryn stuck to the basics of what she was saying. She added nothing else to it. He didn't miss the fact that the holoprojector was out on the dinning table. When he placed it back in her quarters while she was in sickbay, he had left it on the desk. She had listened to it again. He was a little worried as to what might mean.

"Kathryn." He shook his head and gestured to the holoprojector. "Do you still regret the decision that you made a seven years ago, when you helped the Ocampa and stranded us in the Delta Quadrant?"

Kathryn's head snapped back.

"No…….."

_Continued in_ _Part 25:_** The End** _of the Beginning_


End file.
